Procrastination...Yup, I'm procrastinating. I'm supposed to be doing homework but I don't even know where to start and am feeling like an idiot. I'm having that feeling like I'm the only one in the class who doesn't know what's going on. It's probably not true. Feelings aren't facts. Regardless, my mind keeps going back to skydiving. I mean, really, who can concentrate?!
I'm starting to realize just how emotional an experience it was to fall from the sky. Every time I begin to speak or think about that feeling of absolute freedom that I experienced when gliding to earth, I start to cry. Imagine that you are so absolutely free from all the things that weigh you down and from the things that lift you up and you are just able to exist, just for a moment. You are literally so light, having been freed from all earthly concerns, that your feet don't even touch the ground. It is effortless. In that moment, there is nothing else, there is only that moment and the feeling of freedom and a clarity of consciousness that you've never before experienced. Then, it's time to land. And everything comes back to you. Back on earth there are responsibilities and plans and bills and relationships and schedules and activities and conversations and homework and a job and cleaning and, and, the list goes on with each detail of our lives. Those details are pleasurable and tedious, exciting and mundane, pointless and fruitful, everything and nothing. Those details consume our time and our minds. Those details that we create or react to make up our days and our emotions. Those details...
Imagine leaving all those details behind for just a minute. And then imagine landing and have them all just reappear. Maybe that's the 'unbearable lightness of being'. Maybe that's what Milan Kundera was talking about. Falling from the sky was absolute lightness. Knowing that feeling and then feeling the weight of landing and those details returning...it's a bit unbearable. It's being difficult, at least for me.
What I'm left with is this: I have a lot of work to do and I can't seem to focus. I have this big ball of mixed emotions running around inside of me and I don't really know what to do with them. If you see me crying, this is probably why. I'm not sad, it's just how my emotions come out when I don't know how to express them.
What I know is this: I fell from the sky, like a God. I jumped out of an airplane. I felt a terror so great that I can not name it. Then I felt such a freedom that I don't know if I could ever recapture it. And lastly, this professor that I'm so afraid of, well, she seems so small in comparison.
Today, I know that I jumped out of an airplane. I can do anything.
Stir fry dinner after boxing class...brown basmati rice, veggies, beef, soy sauce and rooster (sriracha) sauce
There was just a little excitement at work this afternoon...and I left late enough that I was starving and didn't have time to go to the gym. So, frozen pizza from Trader Joe's