Ghosted

First, you've got to understand something. I'm a stalker. Not the kind that lurks in dark corners and follows you around several steps behind. No. I'm the kind who finds you online. There's a satisfaction in tracking down people who have left my life, either by my choice or theirs. It's a feeling of satisfaction that just wasn't possible in the pre-internet days. Or rather, an empty sense of loss and lack of closure? 

Well, there's nothing to compare to being ghosted. You know, that thing where someone cuts off all contact suddenly and forever. The person who is ghosted is left feeling confused, angry, lost, abandoned. You think the worst is not knowing...the worry, the dread, the fear that the other died and no one thought to tell you. At least that was how it was for me when a friend did this. 

To this day, I still don't know why. I have my suspicions, at least I have what others think are his reasons. Others think that he was in love with me and couldn't bear to see me dating other people. I don't presume so much...rather, I doubted myself too much to believe that anyone could be in love with me. Either way, I don't suppose to know his mind. I only know that I felt broken after. Someone I trusted and loved and admired left me. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a boyfriend, just a very close friend when I needed one desperately.

Every now and again, I do a quick internet search for him. Usually, I find nothing, or at least, I don't find anything interesting. It's amazing though, the lessons we can learn from the rocks. Yes. Geology. It's been said that Geology is the study of time and pressure. I like to think of it as time and persistence. If I give it enough time and I'm persistent, I will always achieve any goal I set myself to. Finding my ghoster is no different.

And, he has joined the priesthood. 

Yup.

There's a part of me that wants to believe he was in love with me...and that if he couldn't have me that he wouldn't have anyone. Of course, I don't actually believe that. Who knows, maybe this sect isn't even celibate? I don't know. I don't suppose it matters. What does matter is that my friend finds happiness and peace in his life. 

I may never have the closure I want, but I know that the best I can do for him is to leave him be and hope that he finds all that he seeks.

Brilliance uncontained

The body does not die because it is not strong,

It dies because it can only contain the brilliance for so long.

There's no way that I remembered that quote correctly. I apologize. I do not even know the name of the poet, or of the poem. However, I find some small amount of comfort in this idea.

This afternoon I attended a funeral for a woman whom I had never met. Those who spoke of her, spoke of her intelligence, her wit, her "realness", her love and devotion for her family, her directness, and how if you were her friend then you were her friend for life. They told stories of lifelong relationships with their friend, their wife, their mother. They told of how she never gave up herself in throes of the disease that ultimately took her from them. They spoke of how she did not know the fullness of the impact she had on the people and the world around her. 

How I wish I had met her! I cried in empathy for the family and friends. I cried in mourning for my own Nana. Most every word they said, they could have been talking about my Nana. As I was sitting there thinking about my Nana, it occurred to me that I wasn't fully present when I attended her funeral. It was a very different time in my life, a time when I could not have been fully present. I realized that the same was true for my own father's funeral and how I grieved for him at my step-father's funeral. 

Grief and loss are strange animals. They never do go away entirely, but rather diminish with time and by celebrating life. While I had never met the woman whose loss we mourned today, she gave me a gift that I didn't know how much I needed. She gave me the gift of an opportunity to mourn loss with a presence and peace of mind that I did not previously have. She further provided me the ability to see that my step-father gave me the same gift. I only wish I could have realized what he gave me at the time.

The First Sighting

I was out running this morning, my new favorite route. The route goes into the area where my ex lives. I knew there was a possibility that I could run into him one day, but I always thought he would be driving by and in his car. Well, this morning, not only did I run into him, but he was out walking with his wife. Oh, too many thoughts in my head about all of this. I smiled, too big at first. I thought, she might realize that I know him, so I smiled less. I didn't say anything, just kept running.

When I got far enough ahead, I stepped aside and tried to assess what I was feeling. I wasn't quite crying, but wanted to. I wish I got a better look at her, but glad I didn't. I just remember that she was kinda plain looking, kinda pretty, and on the heavy side. I let it get to me...

I picked up running again, made my planned turn around and headed toward home. Lo and behold, they were on the same loop as me, just traveling in the opposite direction. I had to run past them both again. This time, she gave me a big smile. It was nothing, just simple recognition that runners, and walkers, give to each other when they see each other out exercising.

I couldn't let it go. A lump grew in my throat. The sobs came, the tears. I had no idea what that moment would look like when I saw him for the first time after we stopped seeing each other. I never expected that when I did he would be with her.

Then, the self-doubt. All the thoughts wondering what's wrong with me, why not me, what's so great about her? For so many reasons this line of questioning is just not fair to me. Some days I miss him. Some days I'd still like to see him. Some days I think he should have picked me, fought for me. It's not that easy, not that simple. For so many reasons. And at the end of the day, he's the one who missed out.

I can choose to live in that doubt, or I can continue my journey through this life. I can choose to be with someone who cares for me, who chooses me, who fights to keep me.

What would you say?

I watched an interesting video the other day about what people would say to the one who got away if they had the chance. It got me thinking...

I've been in a strange place lately and haven't used writing as an outlet. I've mostly been focusing on running and achieving the goal of running a half marathon. I completed that race a couple weeks ago after working my way back from injuries. I met my goal of having a more comfortable race than the last time I ran a half marathon. Basically, I could walk after the race.

Well. Back to the one that got away. I think I'm pretty lucky to have had several that "got away." It's not everyone who can say that they've loved and been loved by different people they've dated at many different points in their lives. Some were healthy relationships, some were not. I can't say that I learned something from each of them, but I definitely learned something about myself from each relationship.

Each relationship fit for the time in my life, that much I am sure of. That wonderful all-American boy when I was young and "innocent"; what would I say to him. I no longer believe that an apology is appropriate to anyone but myself. Much time and space have showed me that. I can look back and be truly happy for him and for the life that he has built.

Flash forward to M. That one is so much more difficult. I definitely have something to say to him. The problem is, so many years later, I still don't know what it would be. There are days when I think I could be happy for him and whatever direction his life has gone. But then there are days when if I were to see him on the street I don't think I could trust my own reaction. I don't know if I'd want to hit him, ignore him, or cross the street to avoid him.

When I give it some honest thought, what I think I'd like to say is something more along the lines of telling him how he's affected me. Unfortunately, though, the way he's affected me is that I could never be that honest with my feelings. Since then, I either can't or won't allow myself to be vulnerable with another person. There's something about it that no longer feels safe, no matter what the reality. Since then, I've built a wall. Since then, I've been accused of being 'independent to a fault'. Since then, the things I fear most are complete honesty, vulnerability, and true intimacy. Since then, no matter how much I want to get closer to someone, on the inside, I pull back at the slightest sign that it may be happening.

My response to the relationship with M was to be broken. Rather, my response to my life, was to have the feeling that I was broken. Truth is, it wasn't him. It was me. My insecurities, my sense of worth and value, and my fears that put me in that place mentally and emotionally. It was me who entered into relationships that weren't right, for any number of reasons. When I look back, it's at that break-up when this becomes clear.

I can look back today and see that I wasn't ready. I was trying to make myself whole through becoming involved with another person. I know today that I am not a suitable partner for anyone if I'm not a whole person all on my own. Am I a whole person on my own? I'd like to think so. I don't always feel like it, but I'm working on it.