First, you've got to understand something. I'm a stalker. Not the kind that lurks in dark corners and follows you around several steps behind. No. I'm the kind who finds you online. There's a satisfaction in tracking down people who have left my life, either by my choice or theirs. It's a feeling of satisfaction that just wasn't possible in the pre-internet days. Or rather, an empty sense of loss and lack of closure?
Well, there's nothing to compare to being ghosted. You know, that thing where someone cuts off all contact suddenly and forever. The person who is ghosted is left feeling confused, angry, lost, abandoned. You think the worst is not knowing...the worry, the dread, the fear that the other died and no one thought to tell you. At least that was how it was for me when a friend did this.
To this day, I still don't know why. I have my suspicions, at least I have what others think are his reasons. Others think that he was in love with me and couldn't bear to see me dating other people. I don't presume so much...rather, I doubted myself too much to believe that anyone could be in love with me. Either way, I don't suppose to know his mind. I only know that I felt broken after. Someone I trusted and loved and admired left me. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't a boyfriend, just a very close friend when I needed one desperately.
Every now and again, I do a quick internet search for him. Usually, I find nothing, or at least, I don't find anything interesting. It's amazing though, the lessons we can learn from the rocks. Yes. Geology. It's been said that Geology is the study of time and pressure. I like to think of it as time and persistence. If I give it enough time and I'm persistent, I will always achieve any goal I set myself to. Finding my ghoster is no different.
And, he has joined the priesthood.
There's a part of me that wants to believe he was in love with me...and that if he couldn't have me that he wouldn't have anyone. Of course, I don't actually believe that. Who knows, maybe this sect isn't even celibate? I don't know. I don't suppose it matters. What does matter is that my friend finds happiness and peace in his life.
I may never have the closure I want, but I know that the best I can do for him is to leave him be and hope that he finds all that he seeks.