Sunday, October 30, 2011

Closer than before

I really have some amazing friends. They help to put everything into perspective for me. It doesn't matter what my situation is, they always have something to say or share that shows me how I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

I may have to have a potentially difficult conversation soon. I was sharing this with friend over the weekend and he confided that he too has been in a similar situation. I was honored that he would share this with me. Not only did I feel better for sharing myself with another person, but my burden felt just a little lighter for having shared it.

They say that a problem shared is a problem cut in half. I don't know if 'half' is accurate, but I know that I no longer felt alone in my plight. I know that in that moment, I was able to open myself to another a show a little bit of vulnerability and come away unharmed. It's hard to be vulnerable and open up to others. In myself, I perceive vulnerability as weakness. What's odd about that? Well, when other people show vulnerability in front of me, I feel more connected to them. I feel good that they trust me enough to share themselves and their lives with me. So, why do I have such a hard time sharing with them?? I don't have an answer for that, though I wish I did.

Anyway, sitting there, talking to my friend, it felt good to share my life with him. I can only assume that he felt just a little special to be on the receiving end because I doubt that I'm the only human out there who feels good when others confide in me. I'm just not that unique. So, assuming that other people feel similar to me, why don't I confide more in others?? Lingering bad habit? Control issue? Self-protection? Probably a little of each along with some other stuff.

I guess I still have work to do on myself. I guess I'm not done yet. But you know what? Having that conversation gave me a chance to act like the person I want to become and I took it. I went out on a limb and exposed just a little bit of myself. It's a small step, but now I'm closer than I was before!


Let's be clear, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks...I'm not eating all that well either.
 Not too bad...mushroom barley soup and that's some sort of curried pasta on the salad.
 Nachos rule my world!
Wait, no. Ice Cream Rules!!


Ok, it could be worse.
Beef burrito with rice, veggies, cheese and guac.

I'm sure I must've eaten something else, and it was probably nachos for dinner.


Frozen chicken quesdilla from Trader Joe's. Actually, not bad. I was out of salsa...which is weird for I couldn't make it spicy.

To be fair, dinner consisted of potato chips, pretzels, frozen appetizer munchies, some chicken and cheesy dipping sauce stuff.
 Trader Joe's frozen cheese tortellini with veggies and some added romano cheese


Waffle with tons-o-syrup and sausages
Fresh peas with a little butter, couscous and chicken

Not shown: a truckload full of candy and popcorn...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Who do you want to be?

I know I should be doing homework. I know I should go to bed early. I know I should...  Should. Should is just someone else's expectations and ideas...There's so much opportunity to get down on myself that I don't need someone else's standards thrust upon me. But that begs the question, who do I want to be??

I know who I am. I like who I am. That doesn't mean that I don't try to improve myself in any number of ways. That doesn't mean that I stop working to become the person that I aspire to be. The question is, who do I aspire to be and how do I become her? It's not like I've got a fairy god mother who can wave her magic wand and **POOF** I'm a new person. I don't think that I'd want to experience a transformation that quick...too stressful. I'd rather have the slow change and growth and strengthens and supports me. The kind of change that helps me learn about the world around me and how to be in it.

But how to do it?? I believe that a strong sense of self is necessary before embarking on a journey to transform oneself. It requires a security of self and an honest and fearless inventory of personal strengths and weaknesses. It's a journey that can't be taken alone, none of us are that honest with ourselves, though we'd like to think we are. As you discover your weaknesses, there's a decision to make...are you willing to move forward, are you willing to temper your negative qualities, to tweak them until they become the assets that they can be, or to discard them on a permanent basis??

Whether it's tweaking or eliminating, what will you replace them with? What characteristics do you aspire to have? Well, they're not just going to appear. You've got to work towards them. You've got to practice them. And guess what, you're not always going to get it right! Some days, you're going to fail miserably and be embarrassed and wonder why you even bother. But some days, you'll get it right. And on those days, you may not know it, but the world will. On those days, the world will see a transformation, a glimmer, a hope, a wondrous light...they'll see the you that you want to be.

Today, I think I might have gotten it right.


mmm, breakfast
 mmmm, pizza
Another date night dinner!! We had raced go-karts...high speed gas powered whirly twirly race track go karts. I'm surprised I could eat at all.


Those sausages really weren't that good...
 A pizza pattern??
Chocolate covered potato chips...don't judge. And yes, one bag = one serving.
 Dinner at a tapas restaurant to celebrate a friend's new job...escargots!!! Personally, I would have preferred a little more garlic, but these were some damn good snails!
Pork loin thingy with shrooms and white bean ragout.


I was running late...I decided I could be 5 minutes late and hungry or 20 minutes late with a good breakfast in my belly. I saw that someone else added tomato to their power sandwich...I'm thinking tomato and spinach...
First, I only ate 1/2 of that sandwich...turkey and swiss panini. Second, it was a class night...I was stressed. It was a emotional day, lots of ups and downs, I craved the carbs for some stabilization of mood.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Vermont eats

I'm back from my sugar-fest....It may not appear to be so, but my weekend in Vermont was not really a sugar fest. It was, however, a weekend that did not really agree so well with my lower g.i. tract. By not agree with, I mean, didn't make a good poop. I go to Vermont once each year in the fall and it's one extreme or the other each time. And the sad thing is, is that the food is's all homemade at the B&B! It's not always the healthiest, and it's generally very rich. I make sure to supplement with plenty-o-snacks and coffee though.


BBQ burger from Friendly' ice cream though

Really, there was a salad for dinner...I guess I forgot to photograph it
Road wasn't all eaten on the drive,but none of these boys made it home.
 snack before getting on the road
nachos, breakfast of champions


What's missing?? The two more pieces of danish, the additional piece of coffee cake and the waffles with syrup.
 Did you ever notice that tomato soup and grilled cheese is about the best comfort food ever?? Yummy fall apple cider!! That's an oatmeal cookie with some sort of pudding...I say some sort because it looked like butterscotch, but tasted was sweet and creamy and yummy. I guess that's all that matters
Ham, potatoes, salad, zucchini and some bread


Turkey, stuffing, salad, bread and broccoli/cauliflower
SOUR SKITTLES!!!!!!!! and that's maple syrup propping up the is Vermont, after all.
 My boyfriends live here...
Quiche (apparently I'm not a big fan...), cottage cheese and tomatoes
Just one baby pancake with some eggy-weggs and sausage
 Jelly donut
A sticky little piece of honey dipped and yeasty heaven....I picked this up at a nearby 'general store'. Some woman makes them in her kitchen and delivers them each morning. Seriously, it's a homegrown set up. If I saw the same set up somewhere else, I'd be wary and wouldn't dare eat it!


Pre-breakfast snack with coffee (we weren't far from Woodstock, VT)
Woodstock brand granola, plain yogurt, fruit and cheddar cheese stick
Chocolate donut covered in coconut and apple-n-spice
Foxtown Coffee Shop burger and fries in Shelburne Falls, MA

There was a big salad from Whole Foods with chicken added for photo, sorry.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

On the other side

So, I'm still not sure what's going on...but something's coming.

Anyway, I have noticed a marked improvement in my mood and ability to deal with crap since getting back on my vitamins. I'm not really surprised. I mean, I know how food affects my mood and daily satisfaction with life, why wouldn't vitamins. It's part of a whole nutrition thing!

And speaking of a whole nutrition thing...this book for school, with the Rider and the Elephant...they use an example of being healthier and how we need more specific instruction than just 'be healthier' to achieve some amount of success. While I agree, I also think that we need to implement a whole host of changes. Ok, most of us need to implement a whole host of changes.

When I first started on my journey to 'be healthier', I was starting from 0. This is over 5 years ago...I ate carbs and fat almost exclusively and did not exercise at all. I sat on my couch and watched TV. I can't imagine living that life today! I needed to radically alter my diet and start to exercise. I remember thinking what a chore it was going to be to have to go to the gym and eat healthy every day for the rest of my life! Well, I had it all wrong...

You all know that I don't get it 'right everyday, but I know that I wouldn't have it any other way. It's amazing how something I dreaded has become something that I love, something I look forward to. It's amazing how a change looks once you're on the other side.


Coconut 7 layer bar...from my boyfriends Ben and Jerry!
 Yasai Yaki Soba...if I spelled that's from Wagamama!
 Calamari from Wagamama!!
 Salad and soup for lunch--beef barley
Standard regular breakfast


I remember this night....I was sooooo hungry, hadn't eaten all day. I gave in and didn't have any veggies, just homemade lasagna (thanks to my mom for the tomato sauce!!!)
 An apple a day...keeps the homework at bay?


The Cuban Reuben from the Sunset Grill...another date night dinner!! I only ate 1/2 of the sandwich
Panera!! I didn't eat the trail mix though.


A little at my desk dinner...while writing the paper that kept me from writing this blog
 fruitful snack...with my homework
 Lunch salad with flax pita
no surprises breakfast


egg and cheese on a wheat english muffin with melon

pizza and salad...that's a little Italian dressing on the side there

I left my camera on my desk this night...for dinner, there was a chicken breast, couscous, and steamed broccoli...ben and jerry's (full pint) and nachos


nachos...and a pint of ben and jerry's
 salad for dinner
 salad and pizza
 so, I did eat some of the trail mix today
Uncle Sam cereal, egg and berries