Sunday, November 1, 2015

The First Sighting

I was out running this morning, my new favorite route. The route goes into the area where my ex lives. I knew there was a possibility that I could run into him one day, but I always thought he would be driving by and in his car. Well, this morning, not only did I run into him, but he was out walking with his wife. Oh, too many thoughts in my head about all of this. I smiled, too big at first. I thought, she might realize that I know him, so I smiled less. I didn't say anything, just kept running.

When I got far enough ahead, I stepped aside and tried to assess what I was feeling. I wasn't quite crying, but wanted to. I wish I got a better look at her, but glad I didn't. I just remember that she was kinda plain looking, kinda pretty, and on the heavy side. I let it get to me...

I picked up running again, made my planned turn around and headed toward home. Lo and behold, they were on the same loop as me, just traveling in the opposite direction. I had to run past them both again. This time, she gave me a big smile. It was nothing, just simple recognition that runners, and walkers, give to each other when they see each other out exercising.

I couldn't let it go. A lump grew in my throat. The sobs came, the tears. I had no idea what that moment would look like when I saw him for the first time after we stopped seeing each other. I never expected that when I did he would be with her.

Then, the self-doubt. All the thoughts wondering what's wrong with me, why not me, what's so great about her? For so many reasons this line of questioning is just not fair to me. Some days I miss him. Some days I'd still like to see him. Some days I think he should have picked me, fought for me. It's not that easy, not that simple. For so many reasons. And at the end of the day, he's the one who missed out.

I can choose to live in that doubt, or I can continue my journey through this life. I can choose to be with someone who cares for me, who chooses me, who fights to keep me.

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