The Right Question?

Someone I've known only a short while made an observation about me recently. It was neither good nor bad, not positive or negative. It just was. Normally, this wouldn't be worth writing about. But when he said it, I gasped slightly and couldn't breathe for a moment. His observation, something I had never considered before, resonated so acutely, felt so true, that it took my breath. It's been almost a week and I'm still a little off-center when I think about what he suggested.

He suggested that in a certain area of my life, that he thinks I'm bored functioning within the commonly accepted paradigm. He said that perhaps I'm still searching in this area because of that. What is disturbingly strange is that I've been questioning how to reconcile my recent behavior with my longer term desires in this area and have been coming up empty...no way to reconcile the two and little desire or incentive to change my behaviors. My question was, how do I change my behavior so that it's line with getting what I want?

I now wonder if I'm asking the right question. What if I don't really want what I think I want? If that's the case, what do I want? I want fulfillment in all areas of my life. But what does that fulfillment look like? Does it look like they always told me it would? Or rather, is it something different? Something less mainstream?

I definitely like the idea of what he suggested...it felt like it fit. So I asked a friend what her thoughts were. Lo and behold, she agreed with him. Not only did she agree, but she's thought this about me for some time now and was waiting for me to get there on my own. Huh.

If this is right, and I'm not saying that it is, but if it's right...it really explains so much. It helps to explain why, when I thought I had what I wanted, that it somehow wasn't enough. That I still felt like something was missing. I always knew that I was the one with this issue...I just didn't know what that issue was. Whenever it came up, I was left wondering what was wrong with me. I never had an answer. Just an empty feeling.

This is definitely something that I've been exploring from one angle without realizing that I may find a different benefit, a different answer. I guess it's time to continue exploring, but with an altered focus.

 8/26/14

savory chicken, mixed veggies and berries

chicken and veggie stir fry with rice

8/27/14

pasta fagioli, corn, berries

 8/29/14

egg, avocado, dijon mustard, green things on ciabatta from flour. YUM!

 vegan chocolate cake and fruit

 carrots, pasta and pork

Mmm, pizza

8/30/14

cheese ravioli, corn, fiesta blend veggies

Marking time

I'm reminded tonight of how quickly time passes. Granted, it seems to pass faster when you're looking back than when you're in the middle or looking forward. Yet, even so, it passes much too quickly.

We mark time in our lives in many different ways...by the places we live, family events, friends that we have, pets who share our lives, fashions, vacations, jobs, or by any other defining points in our lives. Some are more pleasant to recall than others, but all significant to us. All these times, phases, places, events help to shape mold us into who we are, who we will become.

In the past year alone, I achieved many goals. Some I had worked towards for only a couple of months, another for almost 20 years. Most were somewhere in between. This past year will stand out as a good one.

Five years ago this week, I was walking into the first classes of my MBA program. I was scared, I doubted myself. I walked through fear and doubt on a journey that has helped to grow my self-confidence, my resume, and my circle of friends who I consider to be my family. I could never have imagined how much richer my life would be because of it. Funny how it seems like only yesterday.

If I think back ten years, I remember a time when I wasn't happy, when I didn't know how to get out of the dark place I was in mentally and emotionally. Five years to transform my life from a dark and lonely place to being able to start an MBA program, it seems like a blink.

Forget five and ten years...let's talk 20 years...I was still in college and I can't imagine how I've doubled my age since then, lived an entire extra lifetime. I don't wish to go back, I wouldn't change a thing, but I barely recognize the girl who I was. I have glimpses of her sometimes. When fear comes into my day, or moments of pure joy...that abandon, that bravado, that know-it-all confidence she had. It was something to behold!

I go back even further and know that I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm wealthy beyond belief. Many people who were in my life then are still here today. Family and friends alike. Those relationships have grown and changed and deepened. I'm one of the lucky ones. Those relationships are still there. The people "who knew me when." For them, for family, for old friends, for new and newer friends, for everyone who makes my time worth marking, I am grateful. You make me wealthy, you are my fortune.

 8/25/14

Mmm, veggie pakora and cucumber salad

Tikka assortment

mmmm, chicken madras curry

Unstoppable

Is it laziness or rest? Is it rest or is it fear? Is it procrastination? Avoidance? Ugh.

There's something that I've been actively (and stressfully) avoiding. I started dealing with it today. There's follow up to be done, but I started dealing with it. I'm not certain how I feel about it though. Scared, apprehensive...anxious, vaguely nauseated...off. Definitely off.

But that's how fear works, isn't it? It's the great unknown, a perceived danger. OK, sometimes the danger is real. But in this instance, trust me, I'm in no real danger. I'm feeling threatened, but it won't actually harm me. The avoidance would ultimately prove worse than the meeting this head-on. So why the fear? That's an excellent question.

Instead of that, let's focus on the achievement of ending the procrastination. Rather, let's celebrate it! Let's celebrate ignoring fear and marching forward. Let's celebrate being afraid and moving forward anyway! After all, isn't that what makes us unstoppable?

8/22/14

Normally, I love frozen pizza...this is fromWegmans. Not loving this frozen pizza.

 8/23/14

salad

more pizza...Regina's!

8/24/14

southwest chicken salad from B Good...mmm veggies...gonna poop tomorrow!

Setbacks

Set backs are the worst in the beginning. Am I right?

Of course I am. I always am.

It's been awhile, so let me catch you up. I tore a muscle in my calf and have been in PT for about 2 months. I healed marvelously and was cleared to run, wear heals, and do whatever else I wanted. No problems, right? Well, no. Unfortunately that's not how setbacks work. I was able to run the Spartan Race without a problem. The other night, however, when I was buckling down in my half marathon training, I had the most painful run of my life...except for the one when I injured my hip last summer.

My hamstring has been bothering me since spring. Nothing all that bad, just super tight. I've been unable to stretch it out no matter what I do. I've gotten advice from my physical therapist, trainers, friends, and all sorts of people. They've all suggested great stretches and some help more than others. Point is, none of them is doing the trick. The other night, I set out for 4 miles. Nothing ambitious, just a good place to start. Normally, when I run, the hamstring eventually loosens up, so does the calf. Not this night.

Two days later I was in my regular PT appointment and my therapist noticed that I was limping. Basically, after feeling around my bum (your hamstring is attached to your bum after all), he tells me to lay off the running and that I may not be able to run the half marathon. Next week I'll be back in for an appointment Orthopedics yet again.

So there you have it. My latest setback. Sucks. Although, I did receive some wise words in a message today, "It's all good. Process...Trust." And it's true. It is all good, or at least it will be. I'm upset that the attainment of a goal is in jeopardy. I'm upset that I'm being forced to admit to limits that I don't think I should have. I'm scared to think that this is all part of getting older and that it may only get worse. I'm scared of how this may impact other areas of my life. I'm scared that the almost constant discomfort I've felt in my hamstring since spring may be permanent.

There it is...fear. Someone asked me recently why it was that I get so upset when I think about the possibility of not running the half marathon. I didn't have an answer. Something to think about later...In the meantime, it's time to start working on an attitude adjustment before I'm more upset and it becomes more difficult to turn around. And that's really what this post is all about: taking action in a constructive and healthy way.

 8/20/14

Clearly, I'm not going back and posting everything since my last entry.

ravioli, veggies and fruit

pork chop, rice with beans, corn, and collard greens